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Astro Zombie
Mindless Self Indulgence, May 14th at the Palladium Ballroom!  I am so there, I ordered tickets right when they went on sale.

Also, Margaret Cho with Liam Kyle Sullivan/Kelly on April 27.

Ah, I haven't updated in such a long time but I really don't know what to write about!  So much has been going on and I miss all of you to a great extent and...just wow.  Second semester is looking up while looking down, but it's all good.

Current Mood: silly silly

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 NaNoWriMo isn't going well.  I fell behind by 3 days because of surgery and I tried to make up the 5000-6000 words I needed, but in the middle of it, I showed some to Amber and she made a comment and it turned into one of our lovely arguments and now I don't think I am going to do it.  

It's stupid, but as much as I love the girl, she rubs me wrong a lot of the time.  I think I am just going to change my story completly and attempt it.  I don't know.  I am not a writer and I feel mentally incapable of this challenge even though I want to do it for myself.  I have not written anything for a reason in a while and I need a reason because then I feel like I can write every day, but since I am thinking about not doing it, what does it matter?

I don't know, honestly.  I guess I just wanted encouragement, not criticism at this point.  There isn't time for me to take the criticism at this point - maybe in December if I had decided to fine tune the stupid p.o.s.  

Current Mood: sad sad

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 i am thinking about quitting nanowrimo and it isnt even november.  it isnt a matter of time or anything, it is just a matter of my feelings. 
things tonight just havent been peachy and i dont know how to deal anymore.  i was doing so amazingly well and then crashed.  crying until you vomit is disgusting and painful.  i dont reccomend it to anyone.  i want to cut ever ounce of me that resembles my mother out with a straight razor and leave it for the buzzards.  vile and disgusting.  

i hurt.  all over.  im trying to breathe but it feels so foreign.  i need out of here. 

Current Mood: sad sad
Current Music: Placebo "20th Century Boy"

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 I am stuck.  I honestly don't know where to begin or what to even write about.
I have until november to think of something to write about.
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I have not been on here in ages despite my attempts to sign in and check in on everyone.  I really should be checking in on myself, but that is a different story.  Life has been a bit crazy because of work and school.  I work every day of the week and I go to school on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.  MWF at work I am in from 8:30-12:30 and then I go to school on MW from 1:30-7:00 and Friday I am in class from 1:30-2:30.  Tuesday and Thursday I work from 10:30-3:00 and I take Amber to school and pick her up.  Tuesdays I go to my dad's house and weekends are never free because I am always planning them weeks ahead so I can have me time or me and Amber time.  

My classes are uneventful and I manage to sleep through math almost every Monday and Wednesday.  I got a riase at work the other day from my 3 month review so I am making $10.25 an hour now.  Not great, but not bad either.  It is enough to get me through paying for classes and getting books and gas and whatnot.  I get another review in June and I will get a 4% raise, then.  That will be nice.  Amber and I have been going out for 1 year and 3 months on the 20th of this month.  We are both very shocked and happy.  We want to tell someone, but we can't because it is not the right time yet.  We are both still living at home despite desperate attempts to get out and in the world.  We had an offer to move in with a friend, but we don't know if that is going to happen either.  A: he lives in San Antonio, B: he is a he and C: he is moving out of the big appartment in January and I said we wouldnt be able to make it out there til at LEAST June or July 2008.  So much for his plan and ours.

The weather has finally changed here and it is really nice.  Mornings and nights are in the 60s and the days are in the mid- to upper-80s.  I have been spending too much money at Old Navy lately on their jeans because they are the only ones that fit right.  And, when they're on sale, I don't mind.  $18 is nothing compared to their normal $35.  I have also given my fair amoutn to Hot Topic for Placebo, Siouxsie and The Velvet Underground shirts.  With the insanity that is my life, I went blonde again.  And not just blonde, I mean full blown bright blonde.  It has been a week since I did it and my roots are already starting to show.  I had quit biting my finger nails, but I started again and that bugs me.  

The other day I had a giant panic attack at school and wouldn't come out of the bathroom.  Every inhale screamed at me and told me to stop breathing, but every exhale made me feel like I was suffocating and that I needed to keep breathing.  I spent two days walking around like a zombie.  In the process I cried more in one day than I had in months and I hurt my hand rather badly on a 60 year old wooden wall.  Stupid, yes, but it was better than driving into a concrete barrier on the road.  My dad hates my blonde hair and the fact that I walk into the house wearing black skinny jeans and an MSI tee, but at least I am not like my sister.  I go to class, I pass my classes, I don't back talk, I don't do drugs or drink too much, I don't text all of the time.  You know, the things a 15 year old shouldnt do.  

I really need to get back to doing the month of math homework that I decided to blow off until the last day.  I am almost finished, but it is just too easy and I have the tendency to get bored with it.  Thanks goodness I got a new iPod for my birthday.  I just need more music to put on it.  2300 songs, 8 episodes of Robot Chicken and 1 movie only takes up 9 of the 80 gigs.

Peace, all.  Hope you're all well.

Current Music: Stone Temple Pilots "Creep"

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so, i had a relapse and that has been a pain in the ass.  i have been writing, it is so far the best cure for anything and i still dont have the guts to go to the doctor to get tested of bi-polar disorder.  moving out in about 2 months if all things go well and my parents said they will possibly co-sign for me and amber.  this month is our one year anniversary and i am hyped about it.  i need to go out and get her a gift for it - and on the midnight the 20th (our anniversary), we will be at barnes and noble for the release of harry potter and the deathly hallows.  *is excited*  i have become weight obsessed and this week i lost 10 pounds but i dont feel like it is enough.  im messed up, i admit it, but at least i eat healthy.  i want to lose 80 ponunds or so and that seems insane, i know, but i can afford to lose 80 pounds or more.  

going to get tmy first tattoo very soon - hopefully around my birthday of this year.  i am going to get a navigational star on the inside of my right wrist to cover some scars - after all, the navigational star symbolizes protection.  depending on how bad it hurts, i will be back for the second one about a year after the first one.  it will be violin f-holes on the back of my neck surrounded by celtic knotwork.  somewhere along the line i want to get something that symbolizes writing.

my family is driving me insane.  hopefully amber will call me soon and i will be able to leave their lovely presence.

hope everybody is well

Current Music: David Bowie "Watch That Man"

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I just got a terrible feeling.  A pang of something inside that says, "do it."  Do what?

Fuck you, voices.  Fuck you and your frightening words of enabling fear, pain, regret, hate and ultimate self-loathing.  I sounds insane, but it is how I feel, it is how my mind works.  Don't like it, don't read any further.

I feel as if I would be lashing out if I cut again.  I have no intention of stopping, I have no intention of dying and I have no intention of seeking help.  Please, refrain from preaching, for I have not sinned, nor have I made any small mistake.  Unhappiness comes in unstaited waves that crash like a horrible car wreck in my mind.  Flames, screams, blood, blood and more blood.  The sight of the blood seems to excite me and that is when I hear the small, echoing "do it" in my mind.  Lately, I have been able to resist and continue about my business, but I feel weak and I feel needy.  I'm not eating well, as I mentioned before, I am not sleeping well and the only thing that I seem to enjoy is work.  The harder I work, the better I feel; I must be losing it.  Today I carried too many heavy boxes and walked about a half mile in the office alone, that doesn't count PetSmart and Target.  The burn in my legs is good and the extreme tiredness I am encountering makes me feel as if I accomplished something.  Am I a workoholic, a glutton for pain or just slightly derranged?  Honestly, I don't know if I want an answer to that question but sometimes I think an answer would be something I could benefit from. 

Ideas and images flash through my mind and I dont know how to put them into words or into pictures.  I want to create but I feel like all I can do is destroy.  Writing one creative sentence would wake me, it would shake my world and let me break apart the pieces.  Things have built up for too long, I need a release and I need it now.  Words fail me in conversation, creativity failsevery second of every day.  To be frank, I think school was my muse, if not Doc himself.  How was it I could go into his class every day and feel inspired to write some shitty piece of poetry but now that I am not in school and I have free time I can't turn out one line that resembles anything poetic?  Maybe it is fate or karma that is kicking me in the ass for being such a bitch lately; if I admit to it, will I be able to write again?  Oh, how I need and how I long to write something on a crisp piece of lined paper that express the shit I am feeling inside.  I have let this all build for too long; everything piled on top of everything is what is doing it.  I need to break!  Break me, I beg of you to tell me something that will make me break so I will feel the flooding of pain and agony and hate that I always felt when writing.  Hurt me with words so I know I have it in me to lash out with poetic fantasies that draw blood from the eyes and make the heart pump with anger.  Yes! hurt me and then leave me hanging; after I write, you can apologize and I will pretend that nothing happened.  You know why I will pretend?  It is because I am an accident waiting to happen and I need something to make that accident happen and then your chain reaction is a result and you know how accidents love chain reactions.  Make my cahin reaction, baby.  Slice me open with your words, pour salt on the wound and when I recover with words of my own, love me again and let me know that it is ok to hurt and to be hurt; let me know it is ok to be in this situation and feel like you arent going to get out of it. 

Reading isnt helping; it makes me feel like a failure because I am not able to write something up to standards with anything set before me.  Music, my saviour and passion is ripping me to shreds.  The words say what I want to say and they tell me what I think I need to hear, but none of it is really working lately.  Marilyn Manson or Bright Eyes, Hawthorne Heights or Veruca Salt, Nirvana or Cradle of Filth - I can never decide, I can only mesh.  I have mixes in iTunes that contain the most depressing music I have and it all seems to make me think more about my failure but not about what I could do to turn failure into small success. 

Things I am tired of:
- mood swings
- work
- writers block
- longing
- pain
- repression of fears, wants and desires
- regression to the past
- conformists
- being a writer
and the list is longer, but I am burned out on complaing.  I am going to go find a notebook and a pen and start writing; I want the sounds of the paper to make me go deaf and drown out the sounds of my over-working mind.  Overdrive.  Think.  In.  Overdrive.  Think in overdrive - that is what I do; my mind never stops analyzing everything around me down to the smallest detail and Doc said that the over-analyzing will probably hurt me some in the future.  I am not ready for more of that hurt because I have it too often now.  Shit, here I go again with the analyzing. 

I am getting a haircut tomorrow and a pet rat this week.

Current Music: Pretty Girls Make Graves - Chemical, Chemical

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panic attacks arent good, nor are they comforting - i hate mixing them with my freakish mood swings on random days.
script frenzy isnt going well - i only have 1,000 words whereas i should have over 2,000 - WELL OVER 2,000.
i dont even know what my script is about.  i dont know how to write a script.
my 1,000 are random bullshit that wouldnt make even a decent poem.
i dont want to quit.
looks like rain.

Current Music: ani difranco - 32 flavors

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Yeah, I got it pierced.

Current Music: Bright Eyes

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Prom was lots of fun.  I should have pictures by Friday or maybe even before then.  After prom we went to Becky's house for pool and Rocky Horror Picture Show and at about 2:15 or so in the morning, Amber and I went back to the house and crashed.  I was so damn tired and bed felt so good.  Yesterday I cleaned my room - finally.  The mess was starting to get to me and all I have left to do is to wash my laundry so I will knock it out today along with my Independent Study project.  My project is due this week and I dont know what day it is due.  

AP Season is over and the only AP class I have in which we are doing any work is in English Literature.  Dr. M is so work bent that she gets here at like 6 AM and works from then to whenever she goes home after teaching ata the college for a few hours.  In anatomy we are still working, but we have no tests left, in BCIS it is a study hall and my other classes are basically blow off.  

Well, I think I am going to try to be creative for a while.

Current Mood: amused amused
Current Music: The Manchurian Candidate

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